relationship therapy

Partners I work with are most often stuck in the same old fight and conflict. They’ve tried to break the cycle on their own, are intentional about having hard conversations, and feel lucky to love each other. Still, these moments of shocking disconnection leave them feeling isolated and alone. As much as they may want the relationship to go on smoothly, their connection seems to orbit around the same arguments.

They may feel disheartened as sexual intimacy becomes more and more challenging. They may feel stuck trying to figure out why they would feel so inadequate in love, how their person could make them feel so horrible, and how simple interactions can hurt so much. Hours are spent reconnecting after a conflict. They want to feel closer sooner and for longer. They have no clue what else they could do.

I help partners slow down and understand the pain underneath their pattern, and express this pain in ways that their partner can respond to. We begin by clearly outlining their stuck dance, the moves each partner makes, and the vulnerable fears underneath each protective step.

Relationship therapy is for partners in seasons of change. Individuals may be in the process of transitions of gender, sexuality, career, or faith. Partners may be shifting from a monogamous connection to ethical nonmonogamy, dating to cohabitating or marriage, or partners to parents. Together we can tend to the vulnerable links in the connection during transitions.

Our goal is to risk stepping outside of our usual responses, building tolerance for experiencing painful emotions with our partners and creating new patterns of connection and care. 

I work with people hurting by past infidelity, betrayal, and disruptions in attachment. This pain may feel like quicksand in the relationship: when the memory is touched they’re sucked into reliving the pain, and the more they fight it the more overwhelmed they feel. Issues that proceeded the betrayal are eclipsed and untouched. They deeply want to feel connected and are terrified to open up to being hurt again.

When there is a major attachment disruption in the relationship, such as infidelity or a betrayal, I work with partners to slow down in the quicksand of the pain still present. We will identify the triggers within the relational dance that reminds them of the pain and create a sense of safety so we can trust our partners to comfort us in our hurt. We will explore how the conflict that predates the betrayal weaves into the story of the hurt. In session, we create corrective attachment experiences, learning how to extend comfort to both ourselves and those we love. The work of reconnecting after a betrayal is one of writing a new story that incorporates both the pain and the return.